So, like I said, I'm already naming our children and planning their after school activities and we aren't even officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet. So, turns out, I'm not the only one jumping the gun here. We talked this afternoon, and this was the second time he's mentioned tying the knot and buying a house. So this time, it was a little more specific if you will. He said, I'm not going to have to wheel you down the aisle to the altar am I? Nod my head yes for "I do"... Even mentioned building me a mechanical arm so I could throw my bouquet. It was funny, yes, but I'm wondering,hmm. are you on my page too???? That would be so good. I now know what our next topic of conversation is going to be. We are going.. There... yes we are. It's time. Besides, we've had 5 dates at least.
Where is there? Where are you in life? What is your past, what do you see for your future? wifey

yep, yep.. we're going there. Next week.

So, I asked God for a male significant other. The thing is, I do believe he's here now. He's just in the form of a friend. I spent time checking him out, that I forgot to actually treat him as the person he really is. I'm saying "oh I want somebody whose there for me in tough times" ... but I don't go to him when I'm having issues! What kind of hypocrisy is that?! So now, I've realized that I've got to get my act together before I lose him. It's just words get in the way. All I want him to do is just hold me tight for I have tears that I can't explain. I'm so full, but I can't explain it. I don't want to. I just want to sit there in his arms and just let him carry me, for I can't carry myself.

I don't want to think anymore. I just want to do. I'm tired of thinking. It gets me nowhere. I end up overthinking the situation and not getting any help whatsoever. I'm going to be all right though, because God is an awesome God, and He loves me.

You know, I think God is either about to do something horrifically great in my life, or He's preparing me for something. Why else would these things be happening to me? Things that have never happened before on this magnitude. Maybe it's something He's gonna do with my family, or MAYBE, it's because of something we've done. Maybe something is not right in our lives and this is a sign that we need to get right again. Hmmm.. I need to talk to someone about this... Who? Who who who who who? hmmm...

So either way, I've been getting messages that it's going to be all right. So I'll just take it at that.

I couldn't respond to this like I wanted to so I respond here.

Some people. .

say that the new kid on the block is not able to handle his new appointment

say that he is not experienced enough

say that we are doomed

say that if you tell him. . . he will

say that he's not going to change anything just yet until he sees how it is working/ or not working and then...

say that he's just not the one to lead us

say that he's so excited to be there until he cannot .. . .



oh well . . .

we will see won't we?

Some people


My response:
Some people... need to shut up and get on board.
Some people... are doing what they need to do.
Some people... need to go shrivel up and die.

What do you do when you want to talk, but talking will make matters worse?
Who do you talk to when the people you need to go to will make things worse?
Where do I go when I don't want to go where I need to go?

My cousin just died. Stunned me. Then found out a classmate died from motorcycle injuries. I was jet lagged when I found out. I went to sleep. Woke up today, beautiful day. Church was good, but my energy was slowly draining. I hadn't eaten and I still needed sleep. Then towards the end of service, it HIT me. I couldn't control the flow. I hate crying tears of grief in public. I don't like disturbing the peace or mood. Anyway, I couldn't stop them. From then on, it got harder and harder to put up a front. So I left and went straight to Rev. Bessie's. I helped her and Mrs. Carnella set up then we ate, but it kept getting harder to put up a front, so I had to leave.

Thing is, I want somebody to cry on. I want somebody to hold me, hug me, while I just let it out. But I don't want to tell anybody. Can't tell my folks because they'll be like oh it was for the better, you know she was suffering, blah blah blah. Yes I'm glad she's no longer suffering. Yes I'm glad I saw her recently. But still, she's gone now. It's like when Jamie proposed to Donniece. We knew it was inevitable, but when it actually happened, I was on top of Jupiter, and I know she was and is on Neptune...!
I can't tell Rodney or some other people because I'm supposed to be tough strong superwoman to them. I'm not comfortable being vulnerable in front of anybody else. I want to tell James, but I feel like he's too busy to be there or not really comfortable right there. He hasn't shown me consistency, in other words, that I can count on him to be there when I need him to be.
I just want to go away and be isolated so that I can do my work and let it out. But where can I go?

Then. I'm 200 in the red. Thought I was good. BUT now that I check it, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE in HAVING a checking account if they are just gonna overdraft you?!

At this point, I wonder if I could ever be consoled. The one who I want to have that knowledge about me doesn't and the one who has that knowledge about me, I don't want to use him. Rodney knew that I was sad by my tone and offered to help me in anyway he could. It's like I could feel the care dripping from his words; I just don't feel worthy of it from him, you know?, it's like why should you have any interest in my feelings? Why do you, care about me?
James doesn't have those powers but I wish he did. I want him to be the one I can cry on comfortably, but I've retreated back into my shell, so it's gonna be hard pressing letting anyone back in. Irony is, I need someone now. I'm tempted to call Jeremy.

I love how He works. He keeps sending me messages and reminders to help keep me focused on the lesson I'm supposed to learn at this particular time. Yesterday, I realized that I have trouble relinquishing control over to Him and blindly trusting Him. Through a series of events this year, I learned that I really can't control every outcome, nor can I (totally) trust in people, but I can rely on Him and everything will be just fine.

So then I meet James, and I'm so happy and excited that I want to see him all the time for long periods of time. I'm used to operating in the way that I don't want to say goodbye until I know when I'm going to see you again. Kind of like the Tarzan swing thing, he swings from vine to vine, but usually doesn't let go until he has the next vine. That's how I lived life and was comfortable in that but I heard long ago and am now seeing that God calls us to let go of that kind of faith and trust and believe that yes you have a vine now, but it's time to move from it and you won't always have that next vine in your hand or even in sight. BUT you can count and depend on God to never lead you over a pit or keep you falling without provisions. People say vine to vine to vine, but God may say vine..... life.... vine to vine.... wait.... (learn some things..study...meditate..pray...) vine... vine vine (and the vines are just markers in your life like moving from school to work or class to class or person to person or do nothing to volunteering... etc.)

The devotional for today reiterates this lesson of waiting on God.

October 1

Today's Reading:  Isaiah 11-13; Ephesians 4

Today's Thoughts: Repentance is First

This is what the Sovereign Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, says "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."  Isaiah 30:15

Jesus says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He has not called us to a life of burdens but to a place of peace. Our salvation is not found in a list of works or good behavior. Strength is not found through building our bodies or having all our bases covered. Over and over, the Lord calls us to a place of repentance and to rest in Him. "In repentance" means that we are in agreement with Him that our ways are not right.  We fall short of His standards. Repentance also means to turn from our ways as we accept Jesus and accept that His sacrifice on the cross is all we need for salvation. There is nothing we can add. This leads to the next part of the verse: "rest" in His work.  We develop inner strength by our stillness of soul (quietness of mind, emotion and will) as we are convinced that He will help us (trust).

Living out this verse goes completely against our nature. We want to do and to fix.  We find comfort in feeling that we are in control. It is hard to accept that we have nothing to offer. That is why the verse concludes with, "but you would have none of it."

Isaiah 30:15 is a great verse to test your faith. Where are you today? Why do you do certain things? Is your mind at rest? Do you have a stillness of soul because you trust the Lord for your circumstances today? This is not easy. But that is why a repentant heart is needed every day, for we do fall so short of His standard.

Meditate on it: "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30 

Elizabeth, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one. You asked and I gave according to My plan and wisdom, so now you are just going to have to obey Me and trust that I really do have this in control. You asked for a Godly man and to have a Godly relationship with him. You asked to have a relationship based on Me so now here it is, don't start looking inward, but look upwards to Me; that's how you start building a relationship around Me, by always looking to Me for guidance when you're out there all alone not knowing what to do or say. Come to Me, I'm all-knowing, I won't lead you astray. TRUST Me Elizabeth, he won't leave you. You won't mess things up as long as you keep looking to Me. Yes, I gave him to you, but you're going to have to give him back to Me. Can you do that for Me? Will you do that for you, him, and Me? Let's start this thing off right. I'll help you; just stay close to Me and My word. Listen to me and I'll draw closer to you. You've already noticed how much easier it is to handle the separation when you focus on Me and how I've blessed you; so with that in mind, continue to let Me be the center of your attention, not James, and I promise you, life will work out all in the end. It's all in My plan. Don't worry, I've got this.


Lord, I know it was You the whole time. I've never experienced anything like this before and as the dots are being connected, I know that there is NO way without You that this happened the way it did. Lord, my friends knew him, but I had no clue whatsoever until Aug 16. How he saw me and how I prayed for him and everything. Lord, I know it was You and I will trust You to keep me/us. Thank you Lord.

Amen

So as of late, the songs that have been playing frequently have had the message of the name of Jesus, the power in His name, calling on His name, the results of just mentioning the precious name of Jesus. This has me thinking about how this applies to the current situations in my life, but until I can fully reflect on these things, I shall just call on the name of Jesus to help get me through.